Topper Returns
Based on the fictional characters conceived by the late THORNE SMITH
Hey, you're alright down there?
Stay where you are. Don't move, keep calm!
Don't get excited. I'll get you out of there right away.
Keep calm.
Want to help?
There you are.
What did we hit?
Nothing. We had a blow out.
I don't understand it, either. That was a brand new tire this morning.
What's the matter? You sure you're alright?
A little shaky, I guess.
Come on. Sit down over here.
What am I, an orphan?
Come on.
Any man that drives this fast as you ought to be run out of this country.
You tell me all about it some time.
Thanks for the lift, buddy.
Say I'm awfully sorry about this.
You're sorry. How about us?
We can't stay here all night.
Well, you won't have to.
I said I'll get you to Carrington Hall and I will.
How? You're going to fly us on a broom?
I'll get help. We passed a garage about 2 miles back.
Now you take it easy and don't worry about a thing. I'll be back in a flash with a tow car.
Why it's as simple as falling off a log.
Hah... comfortable?!
Don't go away, now.
Must have been his wife with him.
Uh-oh. Danger ahead. Two of 'em.
Oh, thank you. It was awfully sweet of you to stop for us.
- But I... - Ann you get in the back seat.
Can you manage the bags?
Yes, I think so.
Never mind. There.
Now, mind if I sit on you lap?
- Oh really, my dear young lady I - I really sorry but we have to inconvenience you but we had a blow out.
This is comfortable. Well, what are we waiting for?
Oh, very well Eddie. Drive on.
Yes, sir.
Would you mind telling me where you ladies are taking me?
To the Carrington Estate.
Uh-oh.
Is there anything wrong with the Carrington Place?
Yes, ma'am. If there wasn't anybody living there, it would be a haunted house.
My, my Cosmo is late.
He's usually home by now.
My it's chilly isn't it?
Emily remind me to send this coat back. It doesn't keep me warm at all.
Mrs. Topper you haven't got it on.
Oh, how silly of me.
Why strange how it's usually so cold in the winter and warm in the summer, isn't it?
Oh, there's Cosmo now! Hello!
Oh look. Someone's waving to us.
It's a lady.
It's worse than that, boss. It's Mrs. Topper.
Emily, look! He's got a car load of women.
And one of them... one of them is sitting on his lap!
Oh my, Emily!
Well, here it is.
Are you sure this is the Carrington Place?
Yes, that's what they call it.
Cheerfully little eye full, isn't it?
Thanks for the lift, Mr. Topper.
Don't mention it. Hurry up with those bags Eddie.
Yes, sir. I waste no time around here.
I'd like to invite you in but...
Ah, no thanks. Very well, we got to be getting home.
We sure do.
Good Bye.
Bye.
Good evening.
Why don't you knock before you come out?
I'm the butler, Miss Carrington.
Oh I'm not Miss Carrington. There she is.
How do you do.
Won't you please step in.
- Miss Carrington? - Yes.
I'm Lillian the housekeeper.
How do you do. This is my friend, Miss Richards.
Howdy.
- Your father is waiting, Miss. - Thank you.
Would you mind waiting here! This way please.
One moment please.
Miss Carrington.
This is Dr. Jeris your father's physician.
How do you do, Dr. Jeris.
I'd like a few words with you, Miss Carrington before you see your father.
Of course.
I'll be as brief as possible. Your father is far from being a well man, Miss Carrington.
Yes, I know.
Seeing you for the first time may be something of a shock to him.
I think I understand doctor.
He's been looking forward to your arrival with great eagerness.
I hope there will never an occasion for you to be separated from him again.
Come with me, please.
Mr. Carrington. Mr. Carrington!
Mmmph
This is your daughter.
Ann.
I... I don't know quite what to do or say!
Nor do I.
Except to tell you, Ann you're beautiful.
You're the image of your mother when she was young.
Perhaps you'd better sit down.
Yes.
I know you must think it very strange, seeing your own father for the first time,
on the eve of your twenty-first birthday.
Well naturally, I wondered why you never sent for me.
Your mother loved the far east, Ann.
Her last wish was for you to be brought up in the land she loved so well.
I wanted to send for you many times but I had to respect your mother wishes.
Of course my own health wouldn't permit me to visit you.
I understand, father.
I hope you had a pleasant trip?
Yes we, we had a wonderful trip!
We?
Oh, I brought a friend along with me.
An American girl named Gail Richards.
Her father is the head of an exporting company in Shanghai.
Richards, you say?
Mmmm.
Why, I hope you don't mind my bringing her?
Oh, of course not!
Besides, the house belongs to you now.
No father, to us.
No my dear. By the terms of your mother's will, everything belongs to after tomorrow.
What else do you do around here besides wind clocks?
Been here long?
Twenty years.
Looks like it might turn out to be a steady job. Huh?
Your mother wanted you to have these Ann.
There exactly as she wore them twenty years ago.
Oh, Dad! There..there beautiful!
They'll look every bit as beautiful on you as they did upon your mother.
Dad, I never did know just how mother died.
Some sort of an accident, wasn't it?
Yes, dear. A mine cave in.
I met your mother in Singapore.
After you were born, we decided to move to Sumatra
where I had an interest with a Tungstine mine.
My partner was a man called Walter Harburk.
One day he was showing your mother through the mine. Suddenly there was an earthquake.
The tunnel collapsed.
You've talked enough, Mr. Carrington.
I'm sorry to interrupt, but we mustn't tire your father.
Oh, of course not.
I hope you like your room, dear.
I'm sure I will.
Lillian will show you where it is. I'm supposed to conserve my strength.
-Quite alright father. -Good night.
Goodnight, darling. See you in the morning.
Goodnight.
Good Night, Dr. Gerad.
Good night, Miss Carrington.
Where's Miss Richards?
Here am I, pal.
Ann! Ann, look out!
Look out!
Ann!
Ann, are you hurt?
Oh, no. I'm alright.
Oh! What on earth happened?
Well, I don't know.
That was a rather close call.
Close? Six more inches, and we'd all be singing "Annie doesn't live here anymore."
How could such a thing happen.
Please, Mr. Carrington. You mustn't excite yourself.
I think you better show the young ladies to their rooms.
Yeah, pick us a couple without chandeliers, will ya?
This way, please.
Thank's, old boy.
Look.
The Chinese room will be yours, Miss Richards.
Oh, you're a doll.
Well, this is just dandy.
I traveled 7000 miles to get away from china men, and here I am with everything but a bowl of rice.
What's that sound?
It's the waves, angry waves.
Day after day, night after night, they beat with savage fury against the black rocks below.
For twenty years, they have been, calling, calling, calling to someone who never answers.
Just like the pot of gold program.
Will that be all, Miss?
No, I'm starved. You forgot we didn't have any dinner.
Rama will bring you a tray.
Oh anything little will do...lobster, salad, and beer, but nothing heavy.
Anything for you, Miss Carrington?
No thank you, Rama
I'm going to bed, Gail. I'm all in.
I'm kind of baggy myself.
-Good night Miss Richards. -Good night.
I hope you rest in peace.
Thank you.
Isn't that what they write on tombstones?
Oh, don't be silly. Go on to bed.
Good night, darling.
Your father had this room done especially for you.
Lovely.
Sorry miss, but we have no beer.
I brought you some wine. Wine?
Why that's champagne!
Yes, miss.
Put it down, buddy.
Will there be anything else, miss? Oh that's all, thank you.
Champagne! Why hide it?
-Ann. -Yes?
Is that you?
Yes, it's me.
Well open up, let me in.
Gee, where's the glass slipper that goes with it?
It is nice, isn't it?
Nice? It's heaven, compared to that Chinese torture chamber I'm in.
Gee, what a layout!
This is for me.
I've always wanted to sleep in one of these covered wagons.
It's almost too nice to sleep in.
What do you have to do to get a bed like this? Rub a magic lantern?
You really like this room, don't you?
This is right up my alley.
Oh, to catch measles, and have to stay in a bed like this.
Where you goin'?
Going to bed.
Goodnight, darling. This room is yours.
Oh, no you don't. I wouldn't dream of letting you do anything like that.
But it's a deal. Anything to keep out of China.
Goodnight, Cinderella.
Goodnight, pal. And I do mean pal.
Say uh lock your door in case Lady Frankenstein walks in her sleep.
.
Come in.
Did you wish anything, doctor?
Are the young ladies comfortable?
Quite.
That will be all then.
I don't mind if I do.
China was never like this.
Cosmo Topper
It's alright for a school boy.
Cara, I told you repeatedly and insistently
when I could get a word in edge wise.
that the whole thing is no fault of mine.
I think it's ridiculous for a man of your age to pursue young girls.
What will the neighbours think?
I didn't pursue them. They forced themselves on me.
Don't be absurd.
Imagine girls, pretty girls pawning themselves on a middle aged man.
Why I don't think I'm paunchy.
Don't try to change the subject.
At least you might have waved to me when you went by.
I've explained that Darling. I couldn't. That girl was sitting on my lap.
I know she was.
I warn you Cosmo, if ever you do a thing like this again,
I'm going back to mama.
Of course I don't intend to do a thing like that again.
Besides, I couldn't very well sit on her lap, could I?
Cosmo, this is hardly the time for jokes.
That's peculiar.
I don't think it's so peculiar.
After all, we've been married for twenty years.
And I have a perfect right to be treated like a wife who's been married for twenty years.
That's odd.
It's not odd at all!
Cosmo, do you realize what you're saying?
I beg your pardon?
Well if that is all the attention you are going to give me...
I may as well go to bed. Good night.
I might be a little overweight.
Well, I'm certainly not ponchy.
Actually, I'm in pretty good shape for the shape that I am.
After all, I'm a banker, not a glamor boy.
Get your cold feet off my back.
You don't need all the covers, do you?
Here I am Toppy. Remember me? The girl who sat on your lap?
Oh, this is terrible!
What's terrible?
You're a ghost! You're dead!
No kidding.
You better get out of here. I've had enough trouble with you kind of people.
Well, that's strange, I should be dead.
I was young and healthy, and I felt swell when I went to bed. So why did I die?
I don't know, but you can't stay here. You have to go back to the Carrington house.
Cosmo?
There, you see?
Cosmo!
Quick, do something, vanish!
Well, alrightToppy, here I go.
Oh it's you, dear.
Cosmo, who on Earth were you talking to?
Nobody, dear.
Nobody. I was just talking in my sleep.
Talking in your sleep? Well, that is such a waste of time. Besides, nobody can hear you.
Oh, well, I'm not so sure about that.
Cosmo, I'm sorry I was so mean. I know you'd tell me if there was anything between you and that girl.
Let's forget all about it.
I'd like to dear, but under the circumstances, I'm afraid I can't.
Of course, if that is the way you feel about it, I'll talk to you in the morning.
When you're sober.
Why don't you look where you're going?
Why don't you be where you are? Now see what you've done?
There's nothing compared with what I'm going to do if you don't come with me.
Come with you? Where?
Back to the Carrington house.
I'm curious to know what happened to me.
Go ahead.
Oh no, no I couldn't go alone, I'm afraid.
I don't like that house, it's spooky.
I won't go!
Alright, if that's the way you feel about it.
Get out of my bed.
I won't, not unless you come with me.
You get out of my bed or I'll tell Mrs. Topper.
What would you tell her?
I'll tell her you're in my bed.
Oh no, I can't say I agree with that.
Not very well, but I can.
Oh, but you wouldn't do that. Topper wouldn't understand.
You coming with me or not?
I can't!
Alright then, I'll give your three to make up your mind.and then I'll scream.
-One, two... -No.
Please, please don't!
Alright, you win. Now, what do you want me to do now?
Call your chauffeur and tell him to take us to the Carrington House.
Hello?
Yes, boss.
Well, it ain't daylight yet!
Oh, you know that, huh?
Yes sir, right away.
What are you gaping at?
Wish I knew
Oh, come on! get going
Yes sir
-Where to, Mr. Toppins? -Carrington place.
Pardon me Boss, but could I sought an inquire what we're going to the Carrington place for?
To look for a body.
Better look for one for me too, cause' the one i'm using now is numb.
Come on Eddie, you wanna help me
-With what boss? -With the body -The bo...
Okay, I'll go with you but kinda keep to one side because I got a feeling some runners gonna be done
Toppey, that's the bedroom I was in, the one with the balcony
-How are we gonna get in? -Through the window.
Pardon me Boss, but can I get confidential for a moment?
What is it?
-Do I look as pale as I feel? -What's the matter with you?
-I don't know but there's somebody here -Oh, come, come on
Give me your arm Toppy!
Them ain't rabbit trap!
Toppy, here's the window. -Let's see if we can get in!
We can't do that, we'll wake up the house owner
Don't argue
Here I'll give you a boost. Put your foot up.
-Ready? -Yeah
Upsie dasie oooh
You oughta go on a diet.
Try the window
Now get me in.
-Where are you? -Right here
-Is this the room? -Yes
-Where were you? -Well, let me see.
-Oh yeah! I was sleeping in that bed.
And then it seems like I got up to close the window.
There is the window, then I stared back to bed and that's all I remember
Oh my gosh, there I am! Look right by the window!
This is probably horable!
You've been stabbed!
Stabbed?!
This is not time for champagne
Oh but Toppin, not everyday a girl is murdered. Look at me.
Oh please, please, please!
Because this is serious, we better call the police.
Yes,
-I wanna find out who did this to me.
-Where's the telephone? -Down stares.
.
Hello.
Operator... operator, operator!
-This thing is dead. -Uhm, an epidemic
- Where are you? - Here I am, sweetie.
Can't seem to get anybody.
Maybe the wires have been cut.
I'll trace 'em.
Operator, operator!
Put down that phone.
Stay where you are!
Your phone is out of
-Who are you? -Who? me? I'm Cosmo Topper.
I-I-I'm your next door neighbor.
N-n-nice place you got here.
Very nice. I-I-I
I-I just dropped in to use the phone.
-At 12:30 in the morning.
-Oh, well I must be going.
No...must...
-Who were you calling? -The police. There's been a murder in here.
Don't look at me like that. I didn't kill the girl.
- What on earth are you people doing? -I have found this man troweling about the house.
This gentleman says there's been a murder!
What are you talking about?
If you don't believe me, go and see it yourselves in the big room at the top of the stairs.
Why...why that's Ann's room!
Come on!
Anne!
Where is she?
Right over there, by the window.
Where? there's no one here.
I saw it here a few minutes ago with my own eyes!
Father. What's the matter?
Anne! You're safe. You're all right.
Well, of course I am. Why?
Well, Miss Carrington, this gentlemen was just telling us that you'd been murdered.
Oh, Mr. Topper! Well, what ever gave you that idea?
No, it's not you. It's the other girl!
I saw her a minute ago. Now, really, I did.
- Where is Gail? - She wasn't downstairs, was she?
Of course not. How could she be downstairs when she was murdered up here!?
Now, Mr. Topper. Please, control yourself.
I think I found something that might explain matters.
It's addressed to Miss Carrington.
Darling, sorry to run out on you so mysteriously,
will explain everything when I get back. Love, Gail.
Mr. Topper is evidently suffering from hallucinations.
Mister Topper... how older man are you?
46!
- Ah, just as I thought. - What do you mean, "just as you thought"?
-Schizophrenia -Schizophrenia nothing! I came here in my car.
-Your car? Yes! is right outside, right now! waiting for me!
Cosmo! Cosmo! Cosmo!
-Edward! -Yes Ma'am!
-What in the world is wrong with you? -It ain't me, it's them things!
Thing?!
Doors closing by themselves, people talking to nothing and getting answers
I'm going back!
-Back where? -To Mr. Benny, ain't nothing like this ever happened there
Oh stop all this pittle-pattle, where's Mr. Topper?
He's over to that Carrington place.
- That girl again! - He means the one that sat in his lap?
I'm afraid, too. Emily, get on your clothes, we're going right over there.
'Scuse me Ma'am, but are you aiming to walk?
Well certainly not! You're going to drive us.
My my that's what I was afraid of.
-Normal? -As normal as you would expect for this type of man.
I've lost the body, I've lost my car! If I don't get out of here very soon, I'll lose my mind!
What he needs more than anything else is rest.
When he feels better, we'll send him home in my car
and dear you better go to bed.
-Goodnight Mr. Topper -Goodnight
Mr. Topper, Gail's disappearance has me worried.
Well look what he's done to me!
Where did you last see her?
She was sitting on a table in the hall and she hung my hat on a Chinaman's foot.
Just take it easy, Mr. Topper. The car will be along in a few minutes.
Well, do you remember me?
Yes, of course, but... what are you doing here?
Well, I hate to be commercial, lady, but somebody owes me $26.80.
That's right. I'm sorry. I forgot.
You also forgot to say goodbye.
That was a cute disappearing act you and your partner pulled.
You... You didn't by chance see her? You didn't pass her on the road?
Well, no. What is she? A sleepwalker?
I... I don't know, but... She's gone.
Oh? Disappeared again. Say she must have been raised in a magician's hat.
I... I'll get your money for you.
Well, what's the matter?
Anything wrong?
I hate to go up those stairs.
Would you mind coming with me?
Upstairs?
With you?
- I better come back in the morning. - Please. Won't you come?
Say, are you in a jam or something?
Just nervous I guess.
Nervous? Why?
I can't explain, but... Well, things have been happening and...
Well, you can stop worrying, honey. Nothing's going to happen to you.
Come on.
I'd hate to pay the light bill in a joint like this.
Oh, this is my room.
Well... if you don't mind, euh... I'll just wait here.
Miss Carrington! Miss Carrington!
What's going on here? Who's that guy in the black coat?
What happened to her? Who are you?
- I'm the housekeeper! - Fine way to keep house! Women screaming. Boogymen jumping out of windows!
If I had a house like this, I wouldn't want to keep it.
Miss Carrington! Miss Carrington! Miss Carrington!
- What's going on here? - I just said that.
Who are you? And don't tell me you're this girl's rich uncle!
- Why don't be silly. I'm her father. - Well, that's close enough.
Anne! Anne!
She's fainted.
I'll bet you the first thing she says when she opens her eyes is, "Where am I?"
What happened?
Say! What are you doing here?
All right! So, I'll explain it to you.
This young lady owes me for a taxi cab ride. I came here to collect it. She asked me up to this room.
I heard and scream and walked into the middle of an Orson Wells broadcast!
- A man was standing over me with a knife. - There it is. There!
- Where did you get that knife? - Well, I found it under the window in the next room.
Perhaps, Topper's story was right.
He said they murdered the other girl. Now they've tried to murder Anne!
Braumer... call the police!
Oh, well, now, wait a minute! You don't think I had anything to do with this.
- Well, do you? - Why, certainly not!
Anne, dear, you'd better get your clothes on.
I'm afraid you're going to remain here, young man.
But good heavens! Why should anybody want to kill Miss Carrington?
Well, they killed me, didn't they?
- Yes, I can understand that. But, Miss Carrington-- - Oh, don't worry about her anymore.
She's got a nice, handsome bodyguard. He's a taxi driver.
Maybe he's the one that's doing all the killing.
Nonsense! He didn't bring his cab in the house with him!
Well, then. If she's safe there's no reason for me to stay.
Good night. I've had a lovely time.
Oh, Toppy, don't run out now. We've got to find out who killed me.
Then we'll know who's threatening Anne.
Yes, but I don't want my wife threatening me, you see. And she will if she finds out.
- No. I'm going home. - Oh!
Madam, I'm quite sure you're mistaken!
I'm not mistaken. I know I'm not. I'm Mrs. Topper!
- Aren't I, Edward? - Yes, ma'am, but I don't think that's what the gentleman means.
I certainly do know what I mean, don't I?
Frankly, madam, I don't know.
- Well, who does? - What do you say we start from the beginning?
That's a good idea. Where is my husband?
But, madam, I don't know! This is a private home.
Private! It looks more like a parade ground!
Can I help you?
You certainly can!
Do you live here?
Yes... I do.
I'm Mrs. Topper. I'm looking for my husband, Mr. Topper. Oh...
Where's that friend of yours, the one that goes around sitting on people's laps?
- Well, I... - She's been murdered, according to your husband.
Don't change the subject. If you won't help us, we'll find him ourselves. Come along, Emily.
- I think you'll find him in the sitting room. - The sitting room.
Maybe she's still sitting on his lap.
Sitting on his lap! Good heavens!
You mean you've got a room just for that? Where is it?
Uh, right this way.
Come along, Emily. Come along.
Here she comes. You've got to go.
I don't trust you, bunny. You'll try to run out on me.
How can I run out with her there? And how can I face her with you here?
Well, sounds logical. Okay, here we go.
[Ghost] Come on, fella!
Cosmo... Cosmo!
Well? Where is he?
He was here a few minutes ago.
Braumer, what happened to him?
I don't know, sir. But I'm positive he hasn't left the house.
And he won't! Not 'til I find him and give him a piece of my mind.
- Do you mind? - Not at all.
Well... Where's the telephone?
- Right this way. - Come along, Emily.
Come along, Edward.
Cosmo! Cosmo! Cosmo!!
Operator? Operator, I want to report a missing husband.
- Edward, you look for him down that way. - It's awful dark down there.
Darkness never hurt anyone!
It ain't the darkness, Mrs. Topper, it's what's in it!
Don't be silly. There's no difference between light and dark... except the lights are out!
Run along!
I'll go, but... every hair on my coat is standing on end.
Cosmo Topper? Well, what's he look like?
Like a banker. Of course, that's because he is a banker.
- Well, can you describe him? - Well, he wears a size 15 shirt with a 33 sleeve.
...a 9 1/2 sock (lyle), and is slightly bald.
Oh, yes. There's something else.
Let me see. I paid the milkman. That lunch has been changed from Thursday to Friday...
Oh, yes! There's been a murder.
Murder!
Yes. Murder.
Capital M U R D E R. Murder.
Trying to make these policemen understand something is harder than doing it yourself!
Mr. Topper?
Hey, Eddie. Got a cigarette?
Give me a match.
Mr. Topper! Mr. Topper! Mr. Topper!
Oh, Mr. Toppeeeerrr!
Cosmo!
Cosmo?
Cosmo, where are you?
[Ghost] Why, Toppy! What are you doing here?
Oh, where are you?
[Ghost] Behind the screen... getting dressed.
[Ghost] You little sassy-face! Didn't your ma ever tell you to knock on a lady's bedroom door before you barge in?
This is most embarrassing! Why couldn't you stay the way you were?
[Ghost] A neglige is hardly appropriate for solving crimes.
Come on, Toppy. We've got things to do.
Cosmo!
Gotta get out of here!
Cosmo?
- I'm from headquarters. What's the trouble here? - Trouble, sir?
Now, don't stand there dumb! I got a phone call about a half an hour ago that there's been a murder!
And maybe you did it!
Cosmo!
In here! Quick!
Cosmo!
Cosmo?
Oh, this must be the kitchen!
Well, it's not the music room.
Well, he's not here.
Cosmo? Where on Earth can he be?
Cosmo?...Cosmo!
My! It's drafty in here!
Oh!! Look! It's a chocolate cake! Emily, make some tea.
Tea!?
Of course! To go with out cake.
- But what about Mr. Topper? - Emily, you know he never drinks tea.
Well, yes, I kno...
This is getting awful monotonous!
Now, then... Did you see the face of the man who wore the cloak?
No... it... it was covered up.
Somebody's covering up a lot of things around here!
Well, why don't you let her alone? She's nervous and upset.
She is? How do you think I feel? A murder and no body!
Did anybody see a body?
Didn't you say Topper said he saw the body?
Cut out the double talk! Who's Topper?
He's the man who said he saw the body.
- Where is he? - He's gone.
He... he's gone? The body's gone!
S-- say, what are you people trying to do to me?
I'm sure, Sergeant, it's nothing but a tempest in a teapot.
Miss Carrington had a note from the supposedly dead girl that will clear it all up.
- Where's the note? - It's gone.
The note's gone. Topper's gone. The body's gone!
Now, look here! I don't have to come here to be made a fool of!
[Butler] Beg pardon, sir, but I believe Miss Carrington left the note upstairs.
[Sergeant] Jim, take the boys upstairs. Search everywhere! Don't miss anything!
Tear it apart!
Now, look here, Rebekah. Quit stalling!
- Where is this guy, Topper? - I don't know.
- Well, what was he doing here in the first place? - I don't know.
- Say, what do you think I am?! - I don't know.
- Who's this fresh guy? - Oh, he's all right. He's a taxi driver.
Yeah? Well, where's your taxi? Now, don't tell me that's disappeared, too.
Where do you think it is?
I'm not supposed to think! I'm from the city hall!
- Now, where was I? - I don't know.
Emily, this cake is simply delicious!
- Glad you like it. - It's the best you've ever made.
-This is not our cake. - Oh, I forgot!
Get some cream, Emily, please.
Cream... Yes, ma'am.
- Oh, hello. - Hush!
Emily!
Cosmo! Oh, what in the world are you doing in here?
Just... sitting dear. It's chilly outside.
But... but you... you never used to sit in our icebox!
Getting out of a nice warm bed to come and sit in someone's icebox! I don't understand it.
Oh, but I do understand it. Don't I, Emily?
I... I hope so.
That scream came from in here.
- Hey, look. - A prowler!
- Who are you? - I'm Mrs. Topper. Who are you?
Miss... Mrs. Topper!
- Where's your husband? - In the icebox.
- Has he got the body with him? - Certainly. Under his overcoat.
So, you're Topper, huh?
Would you mind coming out of cold storage?
I will not.
Say, what's the matter with him? Is he icebox crazy?
- He's suffering from hallucinations. - Oh...
You wouldn't, by any chance, be thinking you were a lamb chop?
Now, then! What do you mean by stealing into this house in the middle of the night?
And what have you done with that girl you had on your lap?
Girl on his lap, eh? Oho! A love triangle!
Oh, do you really think so, Officer?
I get it. You sneaked into here to see some gal. Your wife followed you.
You had to get rid of the dame, so you knocked her off! Yes or no?
I did not.
- Where's the body? - I don't know.
So, you admit there is a body.
Yes! I came over here to look for it.
- But how did you know it was here? - She told me.
She? Who's she?
The dead girl.
Well! Now, we're get--
Wait a minute. How could a dead person talk?
I don't know, but... this one does.
Oh, I mean. I know you won't believe what I'm going to tell you, but...
Well, we certainly won't!
Where were you when the attempt was made on Miss Carrington's life?
In the library, I think. I don't know.
Did you or did you not try to stab this young lady?
Oh, don't be ridiculous, Officer. Cosmo wouldn't try to stab anybody.
He can't even carve a turkey.
Now, listen, lady. Somebody kills a dame who talks after she's dead.
And the body gets up and walks away. Somebody tried to whittle on this young lady.
And I find him hiding in the icebox!
[Ghost] - Here, Toppy. Take this! - I don't want it.
[Mrs. Topper] You mean, you're going to arrest him?
Well, these ain't exactly charm bracelets, lady.
He's got a gun! It's mine!
Cosmo! Give the man back his gun!
Don't do that! - Cosmo!
- Corner 'em, somebody! - Cosmo, you'll hurt yourself!
- Riley, you might have the sticks for this! - Don't do that. Stop it!
It might go off!
Ah! Oh!
[Ghost] Come on!
You... shouldn't do that. They'll... Cold!
Let go of me! Let go of me!
You shouldn't have made me do that!
You want to go to jail?
No! But we can't go on like this. My wife, the police, what do you suppose they think?
- They think you're guilty of housebreaking and murder! - Yes.
Come on, let's find my body!
No, because after we do find it, then I will be accused of murdering you.
But I've got evidence to prove you're innocent!
- What evidence? - This note I was supposed to have written Anne, but didn't.
- Who did? - I'll tell you when we find me!
Come on!
You're tired? How you think I feel?
My goodness! What makes it so cold in here?
Bless you.
You and your husband!
When it comes to picking out husbands, Mrs. Topper, you certainly take the cake!
I only took a small piece and a little cup of tea!
That's no reason we should be locked up in here!
Look, Mrs. Topper, I'm not complaining, but... I'm a personal maid and not Admiral Burt!
Oh, Emily, shut up!
We'll all get pneumonia. Can't you break down that door?
It's as solid as a rock! [Banging]
- Come in. - Quiet!
- What's that funny noise? - It's my teeth chattering!
- Well, why don't you put 'em in your pocket? - Eh... Who has a screwdriver?
You need a screwdriver to get 'em out?
I've got a bust hook.
- Where is it? - H-home. On my dresser.
Oh, my-- Come on! Everybody look around. There ought to be something here we can use!
Well, there's nothing in this joint but frozen tomatoes and...
dead chickens. - Look. Can you do something with that?
- Oh, I give up. - May I suggest, sir, that you break the glass?
- What? - Break the glass.
Ok... Well, what good did that do?
He means the glass in the door, dummy!
Ok, but I think you're taking a lot of liberties.
Now, wait a minute. I'll take charge of this.
- Ryder, you take the upstairs and you take the downstairs. - You take this.
Listen to me. I think someone should call the police!
Well, I'll take care of that. Check it for fingerprints.
- Hear that? - Yeah.
[Ghost] Quiet, Toppy. Don't be n-nervous.
Give me that.
Eddie! Where have you been?
Boss, that's something I'll never know.
- You still looking for a body? - Yeah.
It was down there, but it just left.
- It left? - It just put out to sea.
That's the truth, Boss, but I ain't going back to prove it.
Oh, yes, you are.
Yes, sir. My, my... the things I get myself into!
Come on.
Eddie, you're going to stay right here until we get back.
Yes, sir. But don't bet on it, unless you get awful good odds!
[Ghost] Oh, Toppy! You're terrible at rowing the boat.
[Ghost] Get up front and let me do the rowing.
[Ghost] Here we go. Hold tight!
Naw, it ain't!
Yes, it is!
If you go out, I'm going with you!
[Ghost] Hurry. Help me up!
- Give me your hand. - Why do it the hard way?
Them's the orders I got from the boss and them's the orders I'm passing on to you!
- We're gonna do it my way! See? - Can't a guy ask questions?
No! I say we dump her here, right where we dumped Butch and Liver Lip.
It's out ten miles and plenty deep.
Oh, why not wrap her up in a concrete mudpack and drop her right here?
The tide'll take her out.
That's the boss's orders and don't argue with me!
- Go below and get that engine started. - Okay.
Gail! Come here. Quick!
Here you are. Here!
Oh, dear. I look so uncomfortable!
Stop the engines. We've got to get off.
No. You lower the boat and... and I'll take care of them.
- Get that engine running! - I had it running. It stopped.
- What stopped it? - I don't know!
You dummy! How do you expect that engine to run with the juice turned off?
Gimme that! Go on. Get outta the way!
See? Nothin' to it!
TURN IT ON!
And leave it on!
I didn't do it. Honest, I didn't.
[Ghost] Come on, Toppy.
Well, what are you doing here?
If you'd asked me that a second later, you'd have been talking to yourself!
- What have you got in that boat? - The body.
- That does it! - No, you don't!
- Trying to hide it, huh? - No, no! I'm bringing it back!
Bringing it back? Well, brother, you've got a lot of questions to answer.
I got a hunch it ain't gon' be no quiz program!
- Joe, take 'em upstairs. - Come on, you.
- Everybody here? - Yes, sir. All here.
All right.
Now, get this and get it strait!
Nobody leaves this room unless I say so!
And you! Stop chewing that gum!
Chewing? I ain't even breathing!
Not you. Her!
I'm sorry, Miss Carrington. I know this is going to be a bit unpleasant for you, but... will you mind stepping into the next room with me?
Miss Carrington, I'm going to raise this sheet.
See if you can identify this young lady.
- How long had she been living here? - She came here tonight with Miss Carrington.
Nice lookin' gal. Too bad she had to go so young.
She's got awful big feet, though.
Who did that? Who did that!?
Who hit me when I wasn't lookin'?
Was you in that room just now?
Not now, then or ever!
Well, don't tell me the joint's haunted!
Now, look. I was standing in that room, minding my own business...
Just as I say what big feet she's got, I get slapped in the kisser!
Who did THAT?
- Who went out that door? - Nobody.
Now, wait a minute! Doors just don't open and shut themselves.
Yeah, but that one did!
Hey! Who went out that door?
- Yehudi. - Who? [Y. Menuhin. Song & catchphrase "Who's Yehoodi/Yehudi?"]
- You feel better dear? - Oh, she'd be alright if Charlie Chan'd let her alone.
Sergeant Roberts, I don't like to interfere, but is it necessary to subject my daughter to all this?
She's terribly nervous. Won't you? Would you please let her go to her room?
Nobody leaves this room, not even me!
And that goes for the both of us.
[Ghost] Big feet, huh? I'll match mine with his any day!
[Ghost] Have another!
[Ghost] Don't mind if I do!
Innocent men stay home nights. They don't hide in iceboxes.
And they don't take dead bodies on boat rides!
- Why did you kill her? - I didn't.
That's only one man's opinion.
- I can prove it. - How?
- Leave me alone in that room for a minute. - Ho, ho!
I am not that dumb.
Well, that's only one man's opinion, too.
Officer, let him have his way. There are no windows in the trophy room.
- Any iceboxes? - No
Alright, I'll give you three minutes.
If you're not back in this room with a 14 carat alibi, this lady's gonna make one of the most charming widows I've ever met!
Oh, thank you, Officer.
Gail! Gail, where are you?
[Ghost] Just getting another bottle, Toppy. Be right with you. You and I will have a little drink together!
[Ghost] - Whoops! Catch me! - Watch out!
[Ghost] Good boy, Toppy. You got me.
Now, you stand up and behave yourself.
[Ghost] Sweety, let me mush your hair.
Stop it! Will you stop it? This is no time to be playful.
- Where's that note? - What note?
The proof you said you had!
[Ghost] Toppy, I wanna lie down. I'm sleepy! *hic*
You can't get sleepy now! You got me into this and you've got to get me out of it!
[Ghost] - Give me a hand. - Oh, dear... here. Come on.
Toppy, I feel so silly! Hee, hee!
Quiet!
[Ghost] It's like being on a little boat in here.
Try to walk straight!
[Ghost] Oh, look at the pretty couch!
-There -Oh
Mm, this feels so good!
[Ghost] Toppy, put my feet up!
Gail, this is serious. Where is that note?
[Ghost] I dunno.
Try to think what you did with it, or I'll be arrested!
[Ghost] Put a cold town on my head, sweety, and I'll try and think.
All right, don't, please. Uh...Try to pull yourself together, will you?
Wh-where are you?
Oh, there.
Got a little headache. Have you... got an aspirin on you?
Uh, no... but I'll get you one.
Well, that settles it.
That guy is as nutty as a candy bar!
Send for a straitjacket!
Make it two! One for me.
Get up.
Now, where's that note?
There it is. Down there!
- What does this prove? - I didn't write it.
- Who did? - Lillian. The housekeeper.
Here's a sample of her handwriting.
They're identical!
Then she must be on it.
Sit down.
-You admit that you write the letter don't you? -Yes
- Yes. - And this is the note you found in the murdered girl's room?
Yes.
Then how do you account for they're both being the same handwriting?
I don't know.
Listen, sister. It looks like you're all set for a first degree murder rap.
Of course, if you come clean, we could go a little easier on you.
I wasn't alone in this! I wrote the note, but I didn't kill her!
Who did?!
Come on! Who did it?
It... It was... [terrified screams]
Turn on the lights! Quick!
Come on, now! Who--
[Taxi Driver] There's a pickpocket in the joint!
Whoever stole that witness, put her back!
Jim! Search the cellar! Search the icebox! Search the attic!
- Where's the attic? - Search me! I've been in politics ten years and I've never seen anything as balled up as this is!
Darryl, guard that front door! Don't let anybody in or out!
- What's down there? - That's the kitchen.
If I find that dame in the icebox, I'll resign!
And I'll drop dead!
Oh, come, come now! Brace up. Brace up!
I'd appreciate it so much if you'd stay here with my daughter.
I want to talk to Sergeant Roberts.
- That'll be a pleasure, sir. - Come, come.
- NOW, I GOT YA! - OH! You horrible man!
I see no reason for us to stay in this awful house while you go around opening and shutting doors.
- Quiet, ple-- - Oh, I will not be quiet!
I'm so nervous, I could scream. In fact, I think I will!
That's fun. Isn't it?
Come on, let's do it together.
Stay here.
That sounds like my wife.
Miss Carrington! Miss Carrington! Miss Carrington!
- Well, where is she? - She was here a second ago.
- Well, what's happened now? - Miss Carrington's disappeared.
Well, I left her with him.
Say, what is this? The fun house at the beach?
Everybody that talks to you disappears!
Now, I'm talking to you. I suppose, I'll turn up missing.
That is the best suggestion you've made tonight.
Well, that's alright.
Don't you ever park near a fireplug!
- As for you-- - Officer... I- I want to go home.
I'll tell you when to go and I'll tell you where to go.
Sit down!
Gail! Anne has disappeared!
- Disappeared? - Entirely.
- Well, we've got to find her! - Police won't let me out of their sight.
Well, they can't stop me.
Don't go out there. Mrs. Topper's just outside.
I'll fix that.
Well, where is she?
- W-w-where is who, dear? - You know perfectly well who I mean.
- That- that girl! - There wasn't any.
Oh, yes there was! I heard you both in that room.
Pardon me, Mrs. Topper, but it's getting kinda late.
- Can't we settle this at home? - Edward, don't interrupt!
Yessim.
Cosmo, I should think after twenty years of married life you wouldn't try to deceive me.
Why, I remember our honeymoon in Atlantic City. You promised me you'd never look at another woman.
Mr. Topper!
You better keep away from me or you'll be a coat.
Hey. [Whistle] Taxi!
Clara, please. I've had a frightful night.
Boss, wait! Don't sit in that chair!
Whatever you do, don't sit in that chair!
Edward, will you stop interrupting?
Well, you're all wet! Is it raining out?
Oh, but you haven't been out. Can't be raining in.
Well, if it has, it's all cleared up.
Clara, I can't stand much more.
Hold on, Boss. That chair is deceptive, destructible, dis-trustworthy and this is the voice of experience!
What are you talking about?
Boss, you sit in that chair and things happen. Quick!
- Oh, don't talk nonsense. - It ain't nonsense. It's serious.
Look, Boss. I sat in that chair just like this.
Crossed my leg just like this.
Leaned back-- Here I go again!
Well, that's a silly way to leave the room! Why didn't he use the door?
Mr. Toppeeeeer!
Well, as I was saying, I'll always stand by you no matter what happens.
Clara, dear, just be quiet. Would you, please?
Well, if that's the way you feel about it, I won't say another word.
Cosmo, what a charming idea! We should have one of these in our house for weekend guests.
Really!
Clara, for heaven's sake! Get out of there.
Okay! You take it down this way and you go upstairs. If you find anything I'll be right here.
Boy, what a night!
I've never been on such a merry-go-round in my life!
Oh, I sure needed that one! Toppy, I just saw the murderer in the cellar.
- Who is he? - I don't know. I couldn't see his face, but he was all muffled up in a big, black cloak.
Well, whoever he is, he was in that room when the housekeeper disappeared,
because I found a contraption in the fireplace that operates the chair she was sitting on.
- Toppy. - What? - We've got to make him convict himself.
- How? - You sit in that chair and tell them that you know who the murderer is.
Me? Sitting in that chair?
- But-but I'll disappear, too! - Oh, no. Not if you keep your eye on the fireplace.
And the first one that makes a move toward it, that's the one we're after!
You're not afraid?
What makes you think I'm not?
I simply want to tell all I know.
Well, that shouldn't take very long. Sit down!
Now, cut out the stalling! Who killed Gail Richards? Pick him out!
In the first place, the one they wanted to kill was Miss Carrington.
Well, never mind who they were after. Who dunnit?
The murderer...
Didn't know he'd killed the wrong girl.
When he found out, he was panicky and hid the body.
You see, doctor, I did not have hallucinations.
Very interesting.
Say, what are you watching that fireplace for?
Who do you expect? Santa Claus?
Come on! Who dunnit?
The housekeeper knew. She knew too much.
But she wasn't the one.
When she was about to confess, she disappeared from this very chair.
And the person who caused her disappearance was standing right beside this fireplace when it happened.
What do you say, Doc? He's looking right, straight at you.
The man's mad. I was nowhere near the fireplace when it happened.
I was over there.
Braumer, you were standing here by the fireplace.
You're mistaken, Dr. Jerris. I was standing by the library door.
Now, wait a minute. Who was standing by the fireplace when the housekeeper disappeared?
Why, Father. You were there!
Why, yes!
Come to think of it, I was.
Mr. Carrington, would you mind sitting in that chair?
Of course not.
That's enough! Get 'em up, all of ya!
Get 'em up!
- Father! - Never mind that! Put your hands up, too!
And if you've got any sense, you won't move a muscle!
You see? I told you it was him.
Sergeant Roberts, it's been a pleasure to do business with a man of your intelligence.
[Ghost] Take your hands off that wheel!
[Ghost] Don't be a backseat driver. Sit down!
[Ghost] That was a close one!
[Road Under Construction]
[Ghost] Hold tight! Here we go again!
Well, it serves you right! Oh, I'd hate to be in your shoes.
First murder and now reckless driving.
The Recording Angel will certainly throw the book at you!
Say, what are you doing here?
- Steady, old boy. - I beg your pardon.
Now. Why did you try to kill your daughter?
Oh, don't be silly! I'm not Anne's father.
- Who are you? - I'm Walter Harburg, Carrington's partner.
- Carrington was killed in a mine cave-in. - So, that's it.
Why, you ghost of a double-crossing crook! Anne must know about this!
- Too late now. - Oh, no. We're stuck here until she finds out.
And when she knows the truth, I can go to Heaven and you can go to-- Uh, give me a pencil. Quick!
- And a piece of paper. - Well, wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Take a letter.
"Dear Anne, I am not your father. Period."
Well, if he was looking for an accident he sure found it.
This is going to cost him his driver's license. You know that, don't you?
[Ghost] Here, Toppy. Give this to Anne.
I'm sorry about your father, Miss Carrington.
Wait a minute. He wasn't her father. Miss Carrington, this is for you.
- Well, what's this all about? - Well, here. Read it. Or am I expecting too much?
- Where did you get this note? - It... flew into my hands.
Notes that fly! Fathers that ain't fathers! Leaping chairs!
Come on. Let's get out of here before the trees start talking!
Edward! Edward, where are you?
Here I am!
- And here I go! - Edward, come back here!
Not me! From now on, I used to be your chauffeur!
- But you've got to drive us home! - Not in that car.
Enough is enough and that's what I've had a abundancy of!
Very well. If that's the way you feel about it, Emily will drive us.
And Cosmo, this time, I'll sit on your lap.
All right, darling.
Emily, do you know how to drive?
- No, ma'am. - Oh, isn't it exciting?
Thanks, Eddie. You've been a great help!
Sorry, I had to dump you in the water, old boy.
The End